Friday, February 8, 2008

The Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Men

Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Men

In the last article, I listed the seven common mistakes women make in the midst of a divorce. Men are also prone to errors that can have a lasting impact on their divorce settlements or lives beyond the final judgment. Below is a list of the seven deadly sins of men, or Dad’s, or Ex-Husband’s, whichever the case or appropriate label may be.

1. Fighting for principle: “I will go to court at all costs” and “it is the principle of the thing” are two statements I hear from male clients in negotiations gone south or cases headed to trial. While I never have and never would tell anyone to go against their principles, I caution divorcing clients about the price tag attached to their principles and whether the value gained is worth what is lost as a result. Anyone who finds themselves fighting for “the principle of the thing” should ask themselves what they are really fighting for and if the “at all cost” is worth it.

2. Underestimating child support expenses: Florida’s child support guidelines are supposed to be the anticipated amount each parent should contribute towards the support of their children. But I have seen few, if any Moms or Dads who feel the child support number is “just right” or even right at all. On Dad’s side, there is a common misconception that child support payments are used to fund the now extravagant lifestyle of Mom, rather than benefit the children. In the average household, this is simply not the case. In many instances, child support covers food, clothing, housing and all those little extras that come along, such as school field trips, projects, lunch money, etc. As all parents know, those expenses really do add up. Unless Dad is a professional athlete or celebrity, the guideline amount, while not exactly right in either party’s mind, will not allow Mom to purchase diamonds and firs.

3. The joint custody battle: Websites are devoted to this topic and it’s a popular question in my office as well. When Dad comes in and states that he wants joint custody, I always ask what that means to him. I then ask if he’s comfortable committing to living within a short distance from mom and the kids until they reach 18. In a good number of cases, rotating custody works quite well. But there are those who do not understand the concept or who think they are limited to either “joint” custody or being the “weekend dad”. Unless there are extraordinary circumstances to justify sole custody, Dad remains a decision maker, stays in frequent contact with the kids and continues to coach soccer, softball or any other activities he enjoyed with the kids, with or without “joint custody”. There are many alternatives in between the seemingly all or nothing positions and it is important that Dad know about and consider these options before taking a stance or declaring a “custody battle”.

4. Taking control: While more and more marriages involve equal income earners, or Mom’s outearning Dad’s, this is a popular mistake made by divorcing Dads in what are usually labeled “traditional marriages.” Dad is the breadwinner and decision maker. This Dad may not want to give Mom her share of assets or child support or alimony, whatever the case may be, as Dad believes Mom will not be financially responsible. This Dad forgets the Declaration of Independence portion of divorce- the concept that both parties live separate and free. Mom is responsible for herself, and the kids if the kids live with her. Courts do not allow Dad to monitor Mom’s spending and do not require Mom to account to Dad for this spending. The judge will impose this requirement and fighting for it is a sure way to lose.

5. The alimony dilemma: There are many alimony jokes for a reason. No one likes to pay it. This includes men and women, who are paying alimony more and more these days. But, in that “traditional” model again, its Dad paying alimony to Mom, or, in cases where there are no children, Ex-Husband paying Ex-Wife. Florida law provides guidelines for whether alimony will be paid. In some facts and circumstances, alimony is a given, and, in some of these instances, permanent alimony is guaranteed. I’ve had clients who would do anything to “buy out” this alimony obligation and some that just had to accept it as reality. In some financial circumstances, it is possible to make a lump sum buy out of alimony. The question is whether it is in the parties best interest. This, of course, depends on the facts and circumstances. The no alimony at all costs Dad/Ex-Husband should seek the advice of a trusted attorney to and, in many instances, an accountant, to find out the options or whether there are options in the alimony dilemma.

6. Separated and not equal: This, again, addresses the “traditional” situation of Dad as breadwinner. Dad worked and brought home the paycheck. Mom may have stayed home and raised the kids. Or maybe someone else raised the kids. Or maybe there were no kids and Mom, or, rather, Ex Wife, just stayed home. This Dad/ Ex Husband thinks that since he earned more than Mom/ Ex Wife that he gets a greater share of the assets. In the majority of cases in Florida, what was earned by the marriage, by Dad, Mom, Ex Husband, Ex Wife, interest, appreciation or otherwise, is marital and what is marital is divided equally. If Mom worked less than Dad, or Ex Wife did not work at all, spouses are equal partners in the marriage. Dad may hate it, Ex-Husband may hate it even more, but this is the likely outcome.

7. Not giving an inch to avoid the extra mile: This mistake is similar to the principle argument that can derail settlement or prolong a case beyond what may be necessary. There are often issues which are minor in the big picture but which become emotional sticking points. When clients negotiate, they are asked to give up certain things and make concessions in order to reach an agreement. What can happen is that Mom/Ex Wife is “sweating the small stuff” as discussed in the previous article and asking for one seemingly little extra that Dad/Ex Husband doesn’t want to give, if for no other reason than that Dad/Ex Husband feels he has already given too much. A fine example of a disagreement that isn’t worth the time spent arguing it is the division of frequent flier miles, which have minimal cash value. But when this one last request for ½ of the hard earned miles comes in at the end of a long negotiation, it may often turn into a sticking point and cause both sides to spend more money discussing the item than what its really worth. In some instances, there is greater value saved by giving in than the value that is lost by continuing to disagree.

Divorce is undoubtedly emotional and men and women, generally speaking, react differently in the face of the emotional crisis. While the reaction is understandable, the financial and prolonged emotional consequence can be avoided in some instances. The key to avoiding these mistakes lies in knowing when to advocate for something and knowing when to give in.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Women

The Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Women
We have all heard of the seven deadly sins, and most of us can name at least a few. When it comes to women and divorce, the transgressions are not gluttony, envy or pride, but they can be quite damaging. Below is a list of what I call the seven deadly sins, or biggest mistakes commonly committed by divorcing women.

1. Asking for too little: Women often feel guilty about divorce and responsible for their spouse. As a result, women often shortchange themselves in divorce settlements, accepting less than they deserve or, in some cases, less than what they need to live. I strongly encourage my clients to work towards settlement, but also stress that settlement must be fair. Under Florida law, both parties are equal partners to a marriage and there is no fault in ending it. The main goal of settlement is not just to close the marriage chapter but to make sure both parties have enough resources to go forward. Settling for less than an equal share and not enough for the wife and children to live on is simply not fair.

2. Asking too much: On the opposite side of the spectrum, some women have unrealistic expectations about what to expect from a divorce settlement. Rather than listening to their lawyers, many seek the advice of friends, relatives and others who divulge the details of their divorce settlements as though they are the norm, rather than the outcome of their specific set of circumstances. Many couples spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars litigating their divorce because one party believes they are entitled to more than the law will allow. Much like the deadly sin of greed, unrealistic expectations can be emotionally and financially costly.

3. Avoiding confrontation: By nature and nurture, women are taught to be non-confrontational while men are taught to be assertive. Men tend to have less trouble taking a strong stand while negotiating or litigating. Many women tend to want to keep the peace and, even in the midst of a divorce, will back off from asserting a reasonable position or pursuing something to which they are entitled. While most divorces can, and should, be settled, there are instances where it is necessary to go forward. In a highly emotional state, it is difficult, if not impossible to know the difference. But not taking a stand can be as costly an error as taking an unreasonable one.

4. Sweating the small stuff: Divorce is emotional for both parties, but men and women handle it differently. Men tend to hide their emotions by fighting or withdrawing while women allow their feelings greater reign. While this is an important part of the healing process, it leads many women to focus on details which, while important, are not legally relevant. This, in turn, leads to a lack of focus on the important aspects and increased costs as a result of fighting over things that are not worth the money spent to litigate them.

5. Paying too high a price: One of the first questions my female clients ask is whether they can keep the home. One of the first questions I ask them is whether they should. Many women will sacrifice everything to remain in the marital home. While it is the right decision if financial circumstances allow for it, maintaining a large mortgage and household expenses can leave a woman with an overwhelming financial burden. Deciding to stay in the home, either by buying out your spouse or taking the home in place of alimony, is not a decision that should be made for emotional reasons, but for sound financial ones.

6. Forgetting that knowledge is power: More and more women are wage earners, but a significant percentage still have no knowledge of joint assets and finances. One party, in many cases, the husband, makes all financial decisions. At the outset of divorce, women in this situation spend considerable time and money investigating the financial picture and, in worst case situations, trying to locate hidden assets. Those who are equal partners in financial decisions or, at least, have knowledge of money expenses, accounts and assets, are in a far better bargaining postion.

7. Waiting too long: Many people, men and women alike, take a long time to reach the difficult decision to end a marriage. Trying everything to make it work, a step I highly support, is one thing; but there are those who, when faced with the knowledge that their partner is depleting assets or even planning for divorce, take the hiding-their-head-in-the-sand approach and do nothing for a period of time. It is understandable that it takes a great deal of strength to reach the decision to divorce, but, in these circumstances, waiting too long can prove disastrous. By the time these women file for divorce, debts may have become too large to handle without liquidating assets and money may have disappeared without a trace.

Finding the right lawyer at the right time can help avoid these costly mistakes. A knowledgeable and neutral advocate can provide much needed advice at this difficult time. Even if the woman has engaged in any of this costly behavior, a divorce attorney can help reverse the damage before an agreement is reached and the case is closed, preventing a costly mistake from having a permanent outcome.