Many couples go to great lengths to hide an imminent separation and pending divorce from their children. For emotional and financial reasons, spouses continue to live in the same house, while struggling over how, where and when to break the difficult news. Couples who have not yet decided to divorce face the most difficult dilemma of all. It is seemingly impossible to talk to your children about divorce where no decision has been made. This is a common concern faced by many who are contemplating separation or divorce.
What many couples do not realize is that, no matter how hard they struggle for civility in front of their children, the secret is already out. Children are extremely adept at sensing the tension between their parents. More so than parents, especially those struggling with their own emotional pain, often realize.
Children do not have to hear their parents argue to sense that something is amiss. Often, it is the silence, the forced civility and the air of tension at mealtimes or when their parents are in the same room that serve as clues. Small children may not be able to understand what is happening, but they can sense when their parents ties, which represent their sense of security, are threatened. Teenagers, seemingly self involved in their world of friends, electronics and text messenging, have an even better understanding of the dynamics and often receive the news as confirmation of what they already suspect.
I have spoken to several therapists about the difficult issue of how and what to tell the kids. The consensus appears to be that children should be told only the basics and only to the extent that their parents know their decision. Spouses who decide to separate need to tell their children they will be living apart but be upfront about the fact that there has been no decision to divorce. The children’s primary concerns, in cases of separation or divorce, are whether they will continue to see the parent who is leaving the house and whether their surroundings and activities will change. Parents should answer these questions honestly and stress that, even if living situations will change, the children will still have contact with the parent who is moving out and that, as much as possible, the parents will try to keep things such as home and school the same for their children.
There is no good time, place or manner for discussing divorce with children. Being upfront, age appropriate and creating an open line of communication are extremely important. And don’t be surprised if your children are not surprised to hear the news. Your kids see and hear everything, even the unspoken words.
